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The Good Stains

by Juice Box

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1.
Unprepared, I walk in Against my will, or so I say. I’m about to prove why I have done what I have done. Thought that for once in my life, I’d be right and end confusion. Turns out that I’m the problem, No substance will affect the matter. Crying for help I’ve always wanted, But never accepting self-admittance. Now I know that meant admitting It’s only personality. Looking back, I may have blamed My embarrassing behavior On a part of my imagination, Something that was never there. Stupid fights and conversations… I named chemicals the culprit. Now I see that I was foolish, Mistaking life for cinematics. Wanted something bigger, but Reality is I can’t cope.
2.
Friends, sacrifices, fake romances… It used to be a question of What the next trigger would be. Those nights on which I let it seep in Were all my fault. Guess it’s time I took some credit. Here’s the next gamble: I’ll move across town, And see if I can get this slate clean In all the right places, being careful To hold onto the good stains While leaving room for a makeshift family, Maybe meet a few girls, or maybe Learn a few lessons. I know that it won’t work, But it’s an easy distraction. Settle down. It’s a day at the races. Who’s gonna pull ahead, or maybe leave their lane? I’m falling behind, but don’t worry. I want it this way. There’s no permanent victory. Now wait a second. Why am I racing? In the first place, seems like a waste of energy. Now wait a second. Who am I kidding? ‘cause I still act the same as when I thought That I was a rational needle (in a selfish haystack). No more excuses. I have to take A step further back, and I got to see What’s wrong. I’ve arrived. This seems to be The next step to enlightenment. Or maybe just a sugar rush…
3.
You know, it’s kind of frustrating to see How straightforward the whole wide world can be. It’s my perception. I think it throws me off, But I’m addicted. Don’t think that I can stop. I try to live behind a curtain, but sometimes I’m far too weak and let it open, but I want To thank you for all your assistance, ‘cause the Show goes on, thanks to your persistence. Sometimes when I am left with time to spare, The thoughts keep growing just like locks of hair. I know that I could probably cut them off, But now I’m tangled. It’s become what I love. Don’t Know what I’ll do When everyone Gets up, moves on, But for now I’m safe and sound. I feel secure When you’re around.
4.
5.
To Your Ears 03:27
On any given day, A normal conversation Can go from pleasant company To annoyance and tension. I slip up. Please take note that I am joking. I slip up. No control over these words… Half the things I say aren’t even me, Like something happens on the journey from My brain to your ears. It’s so unfair that when a tone can be taken One of two ways, You choose the negative. I slip up. What I just said was happy. I slip up. One inflection changes everything. I offer my condolences, But what comes out is criticism, And it’s so drastic that I Wonder if it’s me or you. I slip up. Do I? or maybe it’s that You slip up by expecting the worst from me. Funny how what brings us all together Always tears us apart just as fast. I’m ready to move on from wondering If the details are building up a wall of dislike. Well, maybe I’m just socially handicapped, Constructing fortresses from which I can throw My poison darts. That’s enough. Think I’ll try just to be quiet, Stepping up to claim my silent fame.
6.
Honestly, sometimes it’s hard to talk to you, ‘cause when you announce your concerning intentions, You see only yourself and I am the Bad guy who’s obsessive and dramatic ‘bout The dumbest things. Your behavior makes me glad That I’m not you. I’m so not jealous of you. There’s a scary girl who only sets you up for failure, Booking week-long hangout schedules. If you cross her, she will end you, or at Least that’s what she thinks. She’s evil, and manipulates. Her only motives are herself. She’s probably jealous of all the good girls. She wants what they have, the joys of youth, And innocence, the freedom to choose. Sin, magnificent sin… Or is it so? Most people don’t know. The blurry gray lines of what’s right And what’s wrong are becoming defective. There are those who know they’re wrong. They only seek to drag others Down to the webs and the sticky molasses. Maybe they’re jealous. Human nature is so sick and cruel and cold. I do not wish to be one of those, the people Who are so carnal in their daily lives. I Do not comprehend that way of thinking, But there’s one thing that I know for sure about it. It’s the plain and simple fact that I’m not jealous.
7.
Level 2 03:39
Life can be such a frightening thing to live through. I scare myself with all the things that I do, So I will go back home, crash and burn on my bed, then maybe when I wake up, The world will be how it used to be. Level one: It’s what I said I would cover, But when it comes to disclosure, Not so much is required. However, Level Two is an entirely different beast. I’m not even sure it’s there. I won’t entertain the thought. Why don’t we just start a new game With more bearable levels? It’d be easier to play. Here’s to starting over, But not to beginnings. What if you knew? I hate to think of it, But what if you knew? I spent a full week wearing glasses Feeling sickened about Those ante meridiem hours In which I lay awake But now I’ve found the cure I’ve found the way to peace Now we can both go on But not in ignorance.
8.
How can you not be bothered by all of these sheep, The ways they treat each other? “Wait, check out that lamb,” you say. “It’s really something!” I guess that’s just the difference between us. The people I love ask me why I don’t write any love songs. I hate to disappoint them. I say “Who’d want to hold these bloody hands?” But what I mean is this: I love you, But please don’t get me wrong. It’s not what you think. This is the closest that we’ll come to a love song. Isn’t it great when you find someone else that you care about? You just forget all your friends. Who needs them? They’ve no clue what you’re talking about. You’re clearly unique, something special, the one exception. This is a whole new spectrum of human emotion. No, this breaking new ground only meant becoming Another sheep. Listen to yourselves. The meaning’s lost through all this repetition. I’m just so crazy about you. I need you more with every kiss. You’ve been running through my mind. You’re so much more important than this song. Wonder just how we’ll grow old together… If I make it that far, I probably won’t be getting much sleep, Sorting out how I feel and where everyone drifted off to, And how I’ll always be just one wolf eyeing all these sheep.
9.
Runway 03:50
Hey there, it’s getting time to Choose which side you’re on. We’re waiting on the runway So make up your mind. Around here, they get attention For elevating clones high, But if you don’t sound like college hipsters, Then they won’t bat an eye. Nobody’s different if they’re all different in the same way. Think we’ll stay out of that scene. Might only stop by to say Are you smiling or Laughing from behind your teeth? Well, I guess that’s still better Than no one or nothing. All the money, all the arguments, And all the time spent Were meant for more than just fun. It’s a full mindset. Apparently it’s okay to Dream big for now, But if it becomes realistic, It’s suddenly the wrong choice. I’m still afraid to admit why, But this is what I have to do. Sometimes I feel this is a broken compass. Well, maybe only time will tell if it’s worth replacing. Who’s next to be in control? I’m sorry. I swear that I never wanted this: A dictatorship. It’s just that someone has to. A canvas pulled in all directions will only rip and tear, and using several brushes only makes a bigger mess. We’ve come so far from That battle, so move on. We’d like to make our own name. Hear us out. Stop trying to take control. It’s not a matter of taking Certain steps to success, But rather learning how to be Magnetic on our own terms. If that’s attractive to you, Then we welcome you with open arms. If not, then please stop treating us As a lump of clay.
10.
It's easy to miss the younger days, 'cause memories exaggerate, and I've been looking for an explanation for all that. Accepting that this is the present has been the hardest thing for me, condemning time and emotion as two colliding lines. None of that may even matter anymore. Everything's been building up to this point, yet I don't feel a thing about that. All along I thought that I was changing, but what I've been becoming was always in my core, it's right at the core. I'm too distracted by recent developments to look at the big picture, but I have to do it eventually. Here's to the days you learn a little too much, but you face the facts, turn it into good luck. And you discover that what you thought was a problem really makes you happy in the end. Who cares how you felt before or how you will? because this calming content is what matters for now. You think you're ready to take on the world, get a grip, and finally start living fully. I feel great about that myself, but others might not be so kind. I get down from time to time about the lovely people in my life. It's difficult to avoid thinking of the things I wish were different. Here's to the days when nobody sees that you're scared, or when you sacrifice for someone who doesn't care. And all the wrong people play the biggest roles, and it makes you sick to know that's what the future holds. You hate to be away from others for long, because you realize what you'll miss when it's gone. But unfortunately they do not, and goodbyes and changes came sooner than they thought. Why don't you care that I'm leaving? I want you to care that I'm leaving. I like to think there was a time when you would, but somewhere that slipped through the cracks. I'm going to take a gutsy risk, one that makes my stomach churn. This could make things better than ever or shatter what little we have left. I'm free. Free from getting to know the ceiling too well each night, and stifling inexplicable anger, that I just could not rationalize. Free from stressing how to fake not-so-far-off situations. Free from fear of making blind purchases for tickets to hell. I'm free, and I've never felt more peace in my life. Now that that's all over with, I'm nervous to analyze your face. If I must, I'll connect with new people and move on to a new place. After that, I have to deal with the dilemma of reconciliation. Regardless of what I decide, I'm ready for the persecution. Here's to the days you feel a lack of control, and even the few who will console you are looking at you with such disdain that it only adds to the inflicted pain. You're terrified as you come to know you could be living out your days alone. You must press on through the foray. Pray that everything is gonna be okay.

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released August 14, 2012

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Juice Box Orem, Utah

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